Top That

I’m pretty sure no one wants to hear about this new song that Angelina from The Jersey Shore put out, but guess what I’m about to blow your mind so stick with me for a minute.

In case you aren’t already familiar, here is the abridged version:

I’m not interested in making fun of Angelina, or anyone on The Jersey Shore for that matter. It seems like all reality tv shows these days are invented by people who understand that we will watch something just because we can’t believe how stupid the premise is. They sit around a table pitching ideas like “Heiress Tattoo Parlor? Hobo Punching Bag? No, that’s not dumb or awful enough to get peoples’ attention.” And then we tune in and go “Wow, really, this is what America watches now? Geez.” 100% of reality show viewers are watching them to judge some other imagined viewer.

Ok, actually, I find the show totally enjoyable. These people are like gummy candy for my brain to chew on. I want to write a paper on Jwoww. My point is I’m not here to laugh at Angelina. In fact, I want good things for her. (Note: if you would like to discuss whether or not Angelina is in fact a sympathetic character in season 2, just let me know.)

Instead, I wanted to ask this: does anyone else think that this song was totally inspired by Top That from the 1989 movie Teen Witch???

There are a million things I want to talk about with this video.

1. It doesn’t even seem real, like someone trying to make fun of the 80s.

2. It’s like you took a group of home-schooled Canadian kids who had never seen television and gave them a one paragraph description about what rap music is and then made them demonstrate what they learned in a small skit.

3. It employs one of my favorite devices of bad writing at 0:29, where you show your audience how awesome or funny someone is by saying “Yeah, he was so funny one time. He said the funniest thing, which I wont bother repeating now, but trust me it was funny.”

4. Yeah, girls, I totally hate it how guys only pay attention to my brains and totally forget to see me for what I really am…a girl. Who needs love. (!)

But the most important thing here is for me to see if the world agrees with me on this one. Angelina sounds like she sought rapping advice from Rhet. Shoulda gone with the girl, Angelina, she can spit.

Anyway, sorry I just wasted your life by making you think about these things. Here is Kenneth to make it better.